::you're my saving grace ::

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I had been feeling very weird these days. I used to be very happy everyday. Regardless of any mistakes I make, I will be sad for a moment, and the next moment, I will be back to my usual self, talking and laughing away. What about now? I don't talk and laugh anymore. When was the last time I chatted, laughing away happily? Now, either I talk very little or don't even open my mouth. I have been crying everyday for many reasons. Do I have a severe depression? Will I live a short life? Do I have anyone to talk to? Is there anyone willing to listen to my sorrows? I don't feel happy anymore, tired over everything that revolves around me.

Life is really meaningless, I came out with this theory. We are told to study hard when we are in school. Reason is to have a stable job and income when we enter the workforce. Entering the workforce, we have to work hard to earns loads of money for ourselves and families and there is always a need to upgrade ourselves to remain competitive and there is politics in every company which we need to face. Then came retirement, get to enjoy some time before we are being called back by God. Some people do not even have the word 'retire' in their vocabulary and had already passed on. Is that a so-called 'meaningful' life or is that a definition of life?

I have been thinking of death recently, a part of me had just died, awaiting for the next part of me to die. Hope to die peacefully and quietly. I have too many things which I take into heart and always cry myself to sleep. Won't it be better if I die now? I am just a burden to all my friends as well as my parents. My parents then do not have to pay for my school fees, driving lessons, telephone bill, entertainment and maybe uilities bill will be decreased by 50% and they will live longer. Sadness, anxieties and anger will be gone from this world.

I always try to fill up my day till the end to make myself tired even if I don't talk, so that I will not think of anything that make me cry. I've lost my self-confidence as well as my confidence in everything except for someone who is really great to me.

Everyday, I kept getting laugh at or being ignored by everyone. Is there anything for me to look forward to? Do I really exist as a friend or just a tagging dog?

mich @ 11:14 PM