::you're my saving grace ::

Sunday, August 23, 2009

i have been doing a lot of thinking lately esp on friday night. was alone at the bustling clarke quay. in retrospect, i saw my life. cant help but wallow in self-pity. this isnt the life i wanted. what happens to my new year resolutions? though i feel that i am closer to the person i wan myself to be but i am nowhere near to the life i wanted all along. mum craziness, work, friends and love. i know that i should be blessed and to cherish everything that is being done for me, i should be thankful. i should spend time talking to you like how i used to. much i wanted myself to, i cant seem to see where the conversation will lead to. neither of us will be happy in the end. cant you see that this isnt the life i wanted to have, and yes, i am definitely not happy. i DO have underlying sadness despite of a blessed life. i do not feel excited nor happy or showing any interest about the possibility of an upcoming overseas trip nor the apartment that you are eyeing to get. i shouldnt feel this way but i dont see why i should feel happy when i have a sad, pathetic and controlling life. i DO love and concern about you too, though it may seem to you that i dont. if i dont, you wouldnt be talk about at all. i want to lead a life the way i wanted it to be, not HOW you wanted it to be. let me learn from my mistakes, let me fall hard, let me cry, let me learn the hard way cos i believe all these beats the hell of not experiencing it at all because of YOU. you wants everything and everyone to go your way or to side you, have you ever spare a thought for those who seems to think otherwise? i felt terrible that i cant seem to have an honest relationship with you, i have to lie to get my own way and somehow lead the life i wanted. i know whats on your mind. your only hope, i guess. i cant and will never be. cos this is not i want.
ya, maybe thats the reason why i cant pursue the life i wanted and i cant seem to do anything about it. i will do it once i am financially-ready, i wanted to do it as much as you wanted me to.
come to think of it, somehow, i am thankful for these people who came into my life; allow me to step into the reality of this misery world, their constant let-down and knowing that i wasnt as tough as i thought myself to be for the past 17 years. i think i became stronger, analyse a lot more and matured and smarter as comapred to when i first stepped into reality.
manager from mos burger: made me see that it doesnt pay to be a sweet and nice person
ailin and kai: made me became a person who isnt afraid to speak whatever its on my mind, made me create an attitude i call my own.
iguana: might not be a nice working place but indeed my time there was really enriching. i seen and talked to people from all walks of life and made me realise it doesnt pay to be nice, honest, sweet and simple. you have to be bitchy and be strong to face any hurtful words that are bring said about you.
girlfriend: taught be how to stand up for myself and made me to be more committed and responsible for my own life. though i am not matured for my age but i am working on it; trying to be the person i want myself to be. i want to be proud of who i am in the future.without any regrets.i wan to be able to know that i have led the life i wanted before i die. ive been strict with myself ever since friday. the financial discipline, no more procrastinating, do whatever that makes me happy. classic literature, latin music, spanish and french - something that ive always wanted. improving my knowledge in the world of theatre arts. guess, thats what i want to do with my life and i AM going to do it.
spent my evening with gf yesterday. met up with her friends. find it amusing that how people talk or act in front of their crush. brought back memories. then i wonder most people tend to go out all the way to the extreme to be with the girl/boy. what happens when they are together? they aint as sweet, loving or caring anymore. whats worst, they dont even bother about you anymore or saying things they dont mean and words are being loosely used.simply lose its signficance already.sigh.
frightening thought i had yesterday. relationship will always be vulnerable regardless of the time youve spent together. i hope it doesnt happen between gf and me cos i wan to make everything work out between us. she came into my life and given me so much love that i cant possibly imagine. i love her till i enter eternal sleep.
anwyays her friends were hilarious and great to hang out with. enjoyed my time with them and ive got to spend time with gf too:D

mich @ 12:09 AM