a bad week.had chivas regal, Erdinger and cranberry vodka at crazy elephant.yup, i was depressed about love meeting someone.it was that someone whom i cant trust. maybe i am just too afraid. maybe i am insecure. i dont want to think about it.i am just too afraid that i might lose her. might lose everything. she was really sweet at the end of the day, looking for me at crazy elephant and telling me what she needs from me and how she felt about me over-reacting. but everything went downhill the very next day as love was upset that i was being over-friendly with someone. i have a really strong sense of intuition i swear. yeah i was right to fear to get too happy. cos it has happened.

practically shouting at each other over the phone.never have i talk back to her like that before.i didnt mean for it to happen but i just couldnt help it.coming so close to losing everything. i didnt know how to respond.it's discouraging to hear that we could have been so close to quitting.it's more difficult than i thought. even escaping is so hard to do. at times, it seems too tempting to drop it, along with all its baggage of fear. huge amounts of fear. drop it and run away. because if you quit, you believe the hurt will stop. and you believe that when you quit, all that insecurity and nights that demons haunt you will be over.

but you forget that when you do that, grief takes the place of hurt. and instead, memories of how good it was and COULD be haunts you. and maybe that really is worse because you threw away possibility and hope. the good thing in life that never was but COULD be there.

its not like me to give up like that. im a fighter. and i believe so much there is something i want to fight for.

i just hope she has the same conviction.

i really want to do this together. not alone. together. with you. i have a goal. do you see it too?

so that at the end of the day, i get what i want.

to go back to a place i can call HOME. and just curl up beside her, kiss her lips and say 'goodnight love, i love you.'

and, really mean it.

i know its too much from you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i had so many doubts. so many insecurities. i brought up my past unhappiness about everything that you have done. maybe i just want you to see from my perspective. i decided not only do i really really love you, i am in love with you. i need you to know that i don't want to lose you over something so stupid cos i thought we could be great together. i love being with you. and i want to know how you feel about everything. i know you've in your small subtle ways done things for me and i'm so glad to have you. and i'm really so afraid i've lost you this time. you drive me crazy, i can't explain it. i'm sorry i was so blind to the ways you were trying to give in to me, and the ways you loved me by sharing your life with me. you didn't give me anything physical but i feel it now, your actions have said something to me. i don't think i've ever wanted someone or something so much.

sometimes i guess, its best not knowing the truth at all. coz the truth hurts. it doesnt change what happens now but it changes your perspective of that person.