::you're my saving grace ::

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Grandpa passed away a few days ago. I was taken aback as he was always a healthy man. the death was sudden. no one was prepared for it and mum seems to be like in a totally different world. i'm off to malaysia today. attending his wake tomorrow and wont be back till next week. god! its the 1st time i am not able to see love for sooo many days. things between us are picking up after what happened over the weekend and now i am going away for a few days. i was upset and cant bear to leave. afraid that things will be different when i'm back, but i cant seem to do anything about it. sigh. i am afraid.but i was happy that I was able spend all the time i've got before catching my afternoon flight. we talked a lot and realised how much i am going to miss her. tears started to brim when we hugged before going our separate ways. i just feel so sad.

i've regretted that i didnt get to know you better when i should be. i should have make the effort of initiating a conversation or suggesting a walk with you when you were here in singapore. the fact is that i didnt really bother about your presence. i admit that i took for granted. whats worse was that, i dont even have a photo of you and me. all i have from you was memories back when i was in primary school. we were so much closer back then.i was not a loving and caring grand-daughter. i was an acquaintance, a relative merely. but i am sorry we have lost him. and to be really selfishly honest, i'm more sorry for the fact that i was not a better person to him. goodbye grandpa, nothing else i say here will make any difference to you now. but thank you for letting me learn that i don't want to feel this way again when i hear another person passing. thank you for telling me that i should invest one minute of my time with everyone who passes my way, to hear one minute of the whisperings of his soul and cherish his existence.

you know, it is cruel and real, the things you see when someone passes on. you see someone saying heartless and mean things. i should say the way your grandpa died, is a blessing in disguise. What the fuck is that?!!?? you tell me. the sad fact from my colleague who dont even know him, saying in a matter-of-factly tone.
instead, you could reach out to me and offer heartfelt condolences because we are all human here. and i feel so horribly disgusted at the way some people saw it lightly. i don't think death is a huge matter. it's a fact of life. but this person once crossed your path, once lived under the same roof as you, once encouraged and supported you, once had something to learn from. in small ways, lives were crossed.

So to my beloved grandpa;
i just want to say that i remember you as if you were still here with us. i'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you. and at the same time i'm really proud of you. you lived a life that was all worth while, you make us all really proud of you and today on, you'll be remembered by many others. thank you for inspiring many in your time. thank you for reminding me to live my life worthwhile too.

I am worried. i cried. it hurts to hear you in that kind of state. i hate it. i cried cos i know that you are uncomfortable right now. it happens always whenever you are out with her. i teared. i cant fall asleep. i hate it.

mich @ 2:38 AM