its been a while. many things have changed during these few months, and recently i read my blog entries from 5 years ago.
it was refreshing. i guess in some ways old things always remind me of the ways I was, and thus the ways I've grown. it seems like i'm growing up a little. a lot of things suddenly seem clearer. I cant say that I have grown stronger, wiser and a better person as before but it definitely amazes me how far life has taken me from that point, and the more amazing fact that i've always been and will ever be the exact same person thinking the same thoughts, just in a more matured voice. And you realise the path you step into and never look back. you are never the same person.
I started to think who i wanted to be when i am 30. i have 7 more years, right now at 23, for some, future may seem bright. but for me, i'm already feeling a little like i'm not getting anywhere.
I'm so afraid of the future. Will i change in the negative sense? will being bullied make me bitchy? what if things doesnt work out between us? by then, will loneliness turn me into a cheap slut?
I'm not getting anywhere with my career. Everyday, i fear that i'm getting further away from my dream, that it's slipping away. it's funny how things panned out the way you never expect it to be. you graduated from school, having big dreams and hopes for your career but in the end, you just end up not getting anywhere. Recently, i have been given an opportunity to work with someone. lets see how this one pans out.
A colleague of mine quit her job without a job and re-located to Hong Kong with her boyfriend. some may frown, shaking head disapprovingly, thinking that it is naive for her to do so. i wont deny the fact that i used to have such thoughts until LOVE came into my life. given the situation, i would do the exact same way as what she did, giving up almost everything here to a place where I have close to nothing, to be with the love of my life. power of love, huh?
sometimes, words from me dont seem to sunk into people around me. Maybe because it is to them an impossibility, because no one believes that i can do this on my own. in their minds, no one thinks i'm going to stick to my word. that is sad, because in that way, no one knows me at all. it just feel so sick when they think they know you already. (not referring to love, XD)
My relationship with her these past few months wasn't something i prepared myself for. I felt thankful that she was so being so honest and upfront about her feelings towards me. We fought so much at one point. i was pretty sad it feels like things have soured. and i am not optimistic about it at all. and i feel like there are limited things i can do on my part. i'm afraid of giving too much, worrying that i'll be intruding and a fool if i do. and i am just afraid it gets harder and harder to move on when its not there anymore. really not feeling too good in general in those times. Fear grips my heart. and i'm more afraid than ever to get hurt. i dont know what she has in mind.
But after all, the most important thing is that love, you never gave up on me for all the lousy, stupid things i did. you never let go of me even when i pushed you away. and this is what proves to me. thank you. after so much, i really love you, still.
I know that the love is true, and i am truly truly happy with my life. Love, it is not about the fact that i could have someone else, or that i deserve someone better. i'm not looking for someone, 'better' or not, i don't care. i'm not looking. i just want to keep loving you, and live my life as such. you're all i wanted, always and it will remain this way, no matter what.
you might think that i am naive. but i want to have trust in her. i want to share my life with her, and i want to be the one to be there to support her when she needs me.
i love you so so so much. i've never in my life love someone so much and so hard.
I remembered the nights. the most beautiful nights i've ever had with anyone. nothing seems to matter anymore. because of the way you know me so well, because of the way your eyes met mine. because of the way you would find my hand everytime i loosen my grip, because of the way you kissed my forehead, my hands, my cheeks. i love you. i'm a fool for you. i'm desperately in love with you and i'm just happy i have you :) very, very very.
gave love a surprise during one of those nights. i remember giving her the gift, the look on her face was priceless. i dont know how to describe it. she just kept holding me tightly, with sweet kisses on my cheeks and lips. haps haps. definitely worth it ;) it was a very nice night. spending time with someone truly mattered, in a way that truly mattered. i really love you and i need you, very much. i think i have a wonderful relationship with her. i have someone who appreciate me for who i am. someone i didnt have to fear myself in front of. it is so bare and honest.
she came and stayed over most nights when my mum was not in town. i cant forget those nights. so much happened and is just those nights we needed to spend time together. in fact, they were really sweet, warm and close. it almost felt like we live together. To wake up with my loved one besides me, i love that feeling. or wake up in her arms. being kissed and to have her hold your hands. thanks for those nights and thanks for everything. thanks for just existing. and thanks for loving me.
Thanks for taking me to so many places. i saw many sights and sounds and i wondered why it seemed like another paradise to me when clearly i do stay and work in singapore. i love how we always go with the flow. no time restrictions. no venue restrictions. i want to put my trust in you. when i recall all that you do, i feel so blessed and well taken care of. :) :)
and i love her!!! more and more and more! :) i'm still in wonderment. i love you so much and i know we're good. really good. ipeachyou much. i have you and i feel so lucky. i do hope i am that precious to you and will stay so. With you right now it feels so good. everything feels so right. all in place.
I touch my heart and i see so much with her - our future together. i really do. though occasionally, we do put them into conversations and talk about the type of houses we'll live in or the lives we'll lead together. and i really do envision all these with her. i dont know if i feel settled in life or feel secure in this love. maybe it's a incomprehensible compatibility of both. But i know when at night when love hugs me to sleep and holds my hand, i feel our promises together has already been silently etched between us.
Looking back, our time as a couple has been 17 months. and in these 17 months, i feel truly blessed. though at times, i upsetted her because of the things i did. and for all these times, i felt so apologetic that my heart ached to see someone i love so hurt. i love you, and yes, crazily in love with you. i thank heavens for letting me met someone beautiful who brought beautiful to my life and i cant actually remember without this someone. someone whose hands that everytime i hold makes my heart tingles. someone whom i care so dearly for that i'm so afraid to anger. someone who makes me laugh like an idiot in public or smile like an idiot while looking at text messages.
