::you're my saving grace ::

Monday, January 25, 2010

Looking back from a year ago, I must admit that I learnt a lot, grew and changed. From my relationship with love, family and friends to my career and myself.

I have been thinking about the person in the mirror. I am truly disappointed. What happens to finding oneself? I am not getting any closer to the person I want myself to be. it seems like i am just not getting anywhere in life. felt that i am just getting wasted everyday. I should start doing something about my life, my career and myself. I want to accomplish something or to have just something which I will feel proud of.

Love was away over the weekend. I did not realise the huge impact it had on me. I have never felt this way before. It wasnt the same as the first time she went away. The feeling is really indescribable. I miss her badly. The love I received from her after she came back was tremendous. I felt really happy and blessed with her.

This month alone, we have been to so many places and done so much activities. East coast for food, natural trail, kite flying, museums visits, watching sunset together and recently visiting islands here.

I felt really appreciated by what love had done for me. She is really that SOMEONE. someone whose hands that everytime i hold makes my heart tingles, someone whose never fail to surprise me a hug or a kiss in public, someone whose name i mentioned makes me feel joyful. someone whose face everytime I see makes me lit up. someone who never fail to make me very happy. I love her dearly. Is not the about what she did these days nor the recent times we spent together, it is because of the things that she does, though it might not seem to mean anything to anyone but it means a great load to me and really touches my heart to see her loving me the way I am, making efforts to make the silly me tremendously happy. For these, I felt really blessed and loved. I felt really taken care of. Someone who i can feel safe and protected with. Thank you love for all the wonderful times you gave me, always giving suggestions, putting up with my mistakes and still give me the best in everything. I love you so much.

It seems our relationship has taken to another level. We have been talking so much about future these days. it gives me a sense of underlying happiness inside. it really gave me something to look forward to in my future, I anticipate for the day but on the other hand, i fear that the day will never come. What if she finds me boring? What if she finds me a burden? I know i shouldnt let my insecurities get in the way, and should just be a hedonist in the relationship and no WHAT IFs. I teared when love told me she will be going away for a short trip again. This time it is longer than the previous times. I admitted that i was selfish about not wanting her to go. I fear that things might change between us. You dont need to have an event or something to make it change. It just happen, sometimes. I do tear a lot when I start to fear. Maybe i am just thinking too much.ha

"do you know i can't remember the last time we kissed? cos you'll never think the last time is the last time. you think there'll be more. you think you have forever, but you don't. ... i just need something to happen. i need a sign that things are going to change. i need a reason to go on. i need some hope. and in the absence of hope, i need to stay in bed and feel like i might die today." - Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

I seriously do need that. What happens when you realise there isnt any more? You regretted about the last time you had. I should take every time and treat it like it is the last time. I hate the feeling of regret, it does nothing good and only to makes you feel harder to move on.

mich @ 1:44 AM