::you're my saving grace ::

Thursday, May 27, 2010

And forever after that.

This is sweet. This is where I want us to be. Just me and YOU. Just you, y.

Birthdays become less and less of an affair each year as you grow older.
And that’s because you have slowly come to learn more and more about life.
Birthdays become more like pitstops, markings which highlight each different juncture of your life at constant intervals and which tell you to stop for a while to have a rethink.

For love, I would pursue it and give it my best shot even if I knew it was a mistake right from the start and nothing would come out of it; I would rather have lived it and be hurt than never to have lived at all.
That’s how much I would give for love. But I will do this only ONCE in my life.

Had a great birthday celebration. Though it is not an over-the-top celebration or celebrated over an expensive dinner at some classy restaurant, it was truly a very nice day. spending time with someone truly mattered, in a way that truly mattered. And that is all I really want for my birthday every year. Just to have her. i love that feeling. i love you so so so much.

To be able to spend an entire 2 days with love within a week, is more than what I could possibly ask for. No school. No work. Just US. days like these are definitely much harder to come by due to our crazy work commitments. for that, i do treasure every moment. i felt i needed this after so much that had happened to us for several weeks.

went to resorts world sentosa earlier part of the week just to walk around and explore the place. it seemed like a totally new paradise to me, cant seem to believe that all these are in singapore. appreciate my love for taking me there. love you so much. and, universal studios on my birthday, it was not as crowded as i expected it to be, waiting time aint that long as compared to disneyland in japan. to me, disneyland is more of bringing you back to your childhood days where you get to see those disney characters whom you grow up with and with disney-themed attractions. universal studio, on the other hand, brings the movies from silver screen to life and with movies-themed attractions, of course!
most attractions were roller coaster rides. you know, i just cant take the thrills, sharp turns, sudden halts but whats worse than these, are the ascending and descending moments. it totally freaks me out after my experience at sunway with my cousins back in my elementary school days. therefore, i swear that no more such rides, ever again. but i took not one, but three rides that day. its not because my fears have been overcome nor was i thinking to overcome it. i wanted to do it because of her, though it might not seems a big deal to love, but for me to go up there and just to sit on it, it took me a lot of courage. sure, thoughts of backing out did occurred, but to see the happy look on her face after the rides, it was definitely worth it. thanks for love for your efforts, allowing me to put my trust in you. when i recall all that you do, i feel so blessed, well-taken care of. most importantly, i felt safe with you around.

went to show luo concert the next day. a concert which his fans have high anticipation for and i could see the reason why. hes talented. from his dance moves & drumming, to his presentation on stage and how he connects with the audience, have me nothing but praises for him. currently in love with 2 tracks from his latest album. 'ai bu dan xing' & 'xi guan jiu hao', and yes, i do have a weakness for sad love songs, makes me feel connected in one way or another.

so much unhappiness and tension between us during those days prior to my birthday week. she was practically unhappy or angry with me for things i did. me, on the other hand, i felt hurt and useless. instead of she being happy everyday, she is always angry at me for the mistakes that i have done or things that I did. i felt frustrated and angry at myself for it. depression sets in. i felt dejected and rejected. all these times, i felt apologetic that i constantly tear and my heart ached to see someone i love so hurt. it felt that we have drifted apart, we can never ever get back the same closeness we had anymore.

I am thinking one day all the she waits for me to find me stressed up, angry, useless and quiet and all. most of all boring, will affect us much. worse still, make sure that there is no longer 'us' happening. i begin to feel afraid and started tearing a lot.
love, i know i kept pushing you away or how my insecurities hurts you so deeply. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i had so many doubts or many insecurities. i really really love you. and right now i need you to know that i don't want to lose you over some stupid things ive or done cos i love being with you, i want to put my trust in you and i want to know how you feel about everything. i know you've in your small subtle ways done things for me and i'm so glad to have you.

i do treasure my relationship with her. someone who appreciates me for who i am. someone who knows me so well. someone whom i do not have to fear myself in front of. someone who is so precious to me. someone who is always there for me, by my side for the past 2 years. i cant imagine or remember my life without this someone who had brought beautiful to my life. i thank the heavens for it. for letting this someone come into my life. i really love her so much. i really do.

I really really do love you a lot. thanks for just existing. thanks for loving me. thanks for not giving up on me after all the stupid things i said to you or done to hurt you unintentionally. you never let go of me. thats what proves to me. thank you! thanks for making me feel that i am not alone. i really do love you much. i love your kisses, your smile, the way you hold my hand or whisper into my ears. i love the assurance you gave me and it touches my heart to hear about your future plans for us. i felt blessed. you know what love, though i dont know about my life or my future. but what i do know is that i want you to be in my future.
a simple request; i know its a lot to ask for.

what have become of us? i know. i cant. maybe i have lost.

mich @ 2:31 AM